The tides roll in and out, but there are periods where the water lingers on the shore, inviting life to join it. In between periods of depression or unusual and powerful boosts in my mood, I am healthy and well-adjusted. I feel content with my life and grateful for what I have. I research remission in bipolar disorder and count the months since my last episode. I read about my medications and search for long-term efficacy studies. I feel stable and strong and can’t imagine ever feeling out of control again. I believe that I have a chance of experiencing long-term remission from my symptoms. Hope springs eternal.
When I am stable, I say “yes” to my children when they ask me to walk with them or bake a cake. I am friendly and upbeat. I am Joy from Inside-Out. My children sense the shift in me. We talk about school friends, college applications, and feelings they are having about what is going on in their lives. They reach out to me more, and I am open to listening to them and being there to take care of their needs.
I begin the process of rebuilding friendships that I have neglected during the ebb and flow of my moods. I start working in earnest on taking better care of myself. I make plans to shower, brush my teeth, and clean the house and I start following through. I begin losing the weight that I have gained during these episodes. The unbearable weight of my mental illness that has held me back is lifted. Things feel “right”. There is no sadness. No hopelessness. No regret. I feel the normal range of human emotions and I am whole.
