She’s controlling me.
She’s using her powers against me
I felt scared and upset. Feelings of paranoia morphed out of control and strangled my sense of reality. And so it came to be that I accused my psychiatrist and her nurse of undermining, belittling, mocking, and controlling me. I literally wrote them and told them these things, like a crazy person completely out of control. I felt extremely isolated and I believed that I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I felt utterly alone, fantastically happy about the writing projects I was working on, and terribly sad because I knew I had just loss the two people I counted on for support. I became irritable and angry and my daughter asked me why I had to be so mean.
I contacted my psychiatrist, and she responded to me, saying that she cared about me but was sorry that I could not see it. I dismissed this out of hand as an attempt at manipulating me. I knew that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was in a “normal” phase. I knew that until I actually realized that there was something wrong. This involved nudity, and hit me like a lead pipe across the back of my head. I had taken naked pictures of myself and texted them to my husband while he was at work. I’m not okay. Besides worrying about who else I might have texted the pictures to, I began to worry about my paranoid response to my psychiatrist and her nurse.
I felt the paranoia lessen in my mind, and I thought that I was doing better. I apologized to my doctor and her nurse for accusing them of attempting to harm me, but I didn’t know what to say. I felt like my accusations had been unforgivable.
The worst part was that I continued to question myself and the truth behind my accusations at times. It came in crashing waves. I had moments where I believed the worst, which left me feeling scared that I would never feel normal again. I did not want to feel these feelings and I did not know how to get rid of them. I increased my medication dose in order to get control, and shared this with my psychiatrist’s nurse. She asked me when I planned on taking the “recommended dose” and the paranoia surged in my mind again. In a terrifying burst of aberrant energy, I freaked out that she was mocking and belittling me. I started hating myself. I was unable to take my medications after this out of a fear that they were poison.
I began waking up at 3:45 or 4:00 am and I felt sick to my stomach. I was buying website domains and developing websites at a dizzying speed. I told myself that this would go away as my mood leveled out more, but I worried that by not taking my medications the paranoia would be prolonged. I wanted to believe that I could get my emotions under control, but I did not know what to do.
