I started feeling down after the business forming fiasco, and I wore that heavy cloak of sadness for about two weeks. I felt like a failure. I was lonely, anxious, and nothing seemed to be going right in my life. My boss was creating huge amounts of anxiety for me by telling me to prepare for roles and then at the last minute changing my responsibilities. I thought it was just me having the problem, and that she was sabotaging me. It seemed like none of my co-workers liked me or wanted me to stay. Maybe they all wanted to get rid of me. It took on a paranoid quality. I almost quit.

            The depression was not severe, and I found that I woke up one morning and just felt happy. Out of nowhere. I simply woke up one day and was better. I was relieved to return to my “normal” and get back to finding some kind of remission and stability. I felt quite happy and self-confident and took on some fun personal projects, like making videos of myself teaching social skills, which I promptly splattered all over Facebook. I prepared for my job with a single-minded focus. My husband complained that I was irritable and that something was wrong with me. I gave it no thought at all.

            It felt good to feel good. I didn’t feel like I was abnormally happy. I just felt happy.

The night before I saw my psychiatrist, I took the PHQ-9 online to see where I was at, since I knew I’d be required to take it the next day. I was stunned to find myself with a score of 15, putting me in the moderately depressed range, as I absolutely 100% felt great. Yes, I felt like a failure every day, I felt some sadness occasionally, my sleep was disturbed, I couldn’t concentrate, but all of that didn’t matter. I simply felt very happy. I didn’t have suicidal ideation, I was not lonely, and  I felt content. I took this to my psychiatrist. She explained that the PHQ-9 is a blunt instrument and catches a lot of things, not just depression. I felt satisfied by this answer.

            A few hours later, I read her note though and she suggested that I was having a mixed episode, that my mood was elevated and that I was talking fast.  I lost my mind over this. I believed that she didn’t know what she was talking about.  I was finally feeling better and was upset that it was being pathologized. My anxiety spiraled out of control and feelings of betrayal left me angry and empty.  I didn’t understand how she could get it so wrong,