What happened right? Not a very friendly parting of the ways.
My psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis that I didn’t understand and that she wouldn’t explain to me. The best I got was, “It’s no big deal”. But it was. I found about it from MyChart and just lost my shit. The less willing she was to talk about it, the more obsessed I became.
Then the accident happened. I experienced blatant discrimination in the hospital due to this and when I got home and was alone day and night, I developed intense intrusive thoughts. I wrote my thoughts all night long, filling notebook after notebook. Sometimes I wrote and rewrote the same things over and over all night long. My bed and floor were covered in papers. Then I started sending MyChart messages. I was completely crazed.
My appointments started being cancelled and I thought it was because of me. She was on leave though for an illness. It was just my own self-doubt. After my accident, I tried to get a Rx for buspar but was turned down. Everyone was happy to refill my Rx for an addictive substance though.
I made the mistake of going online to a well-known site for prescriptions. I was completely upfront with the Dr, told him all my prescriptions , that my psychiatrist was on leave, and he prescribed it for me. At the time, I didn’t realize this was a problem. I thought it was okay. Well, it wasn’t, as I learned from my psychiatrist, who booted me out of her practice after I grew defensive and upset. Rightfully so.
I was prepared for it though with a parting shot of my own, which I regret. I just couldn’t leave it without having my say.
I know I’ll never see her again, and that it’s my fault. I will always care about what happens to her though. She is a good person and a good doctor. And now, I just have to move on.
